Theories of Life

Theory #155

2006-08-01T22:11:00.000-05:00

Humility: The ability to grab someone's attention with content.

Theory #154

2005-11-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

Holding back from someone you can trust gives you all the ammunition you need to destroy yourself. It is in total honesty with others that we find healing.

Theory #153

2005-11-04T06:40:00.000-05:00

Mind-reading is not possible because its existence would erode trust and undo civilization as we know it.

Theory #152

2005-10-22T18:02:00.000-05:00

The more time spent with people, the less stressful the social life becomes.

Theory #151

2005-08-18T02:18:00.000-05:00

PMS is not to be reckoned with at any cost.

Theory #150

2005-08-03T23:17:00.000-05:00

Trust is the invisible bond that holds all of human interaction together. Without it, we are all alone and dysfunctional.

Theory #149

2005-08-03T23:15:00.000-05:00

If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Theory #148

2005-08-02T12:43:00.000-05:00

A vision without action is a daydream.

- Japanese Proverb.

Theory #147

2005-07-26T11:48:00.000-05:00

With most men, unbelief in one thing springs from blind belief in another.

- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Theory #146

2005-07-21T08:49:00.000-05:00

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.

- George Bernard Shaw

Theory #145

2005-07-20T19:43:00.000-05:00

Attitude is everything. How else can you explain how I finished a stressful day at work with a smile on my face?

Theory #144

2005-07-05T07:45:00.000-05:00

Illegal fireworks kick ass...

(Special thanks to my neighbors for the free shows.)

Update: ...unless pieces of the fireworks land on your roof.

Theory #143

2005-06-28T20:13:00.000-05:00

Trying really hard not to think about something makes that something the only thing on your mind.

Theory #142

2005-06-22T21:46:00.000-05:00

Who knew that one could come up with more than 20 metaphors for masturbation relating to a hedge trimmer?

Theory# 141

2005-06-01T12:01:00.000-05:00

Pain is caused by pleasure.

Now you know why your right hand hurts.

Theory #140

2005-06-01T00:13:00.000-05:00

Telling a man that a prank he pulled wasn't very funny will only make him laugh harder.

Theory #139

2005-05-06T09:26:00.000-05:00

If time travel is possible, we'll know about it beforehand.

Theory #138

2005-05-01T18:43:00.000-05:00

Time is NOT on your side.

The Rolling Stones only said that because the National Association of Chronic Procrastinators promised a lucrative sponsorship deal, which is still in the works to this very day. The NACP keeps putting off negotiations for a later date.

Theory #137

2005-04-16T10:54:00.000-05:00

A revolutionary is one who believes that radical ideas are normal.

Theory #136

2005-04-05T14:54:00.000-05:00

One can resist everything except temptation.

Theory #135

2005-03-27T02:28:00.000-05:00

Most popular historical records agree: Jesus was a real man, who actually walked the earth 2 millenia ago. Whether He is/was the Son of God remains up for debate in the secular community, but it's irrelevant. Look at it this way -- a guy cared so much about humanity, that he taught millions of people a new, more respectful way to live, and he died instead of betraying his faith. No matter what religion you follow, that sort of character deserves the utmost respect.

Happy Easter.

Theory #134

2005-03-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

Playing computer games for more than an hour is a BAD idea. Trust me.

Theory #133

2005-03-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Theory #132

2005-03-09T21:37:00.000-05:00

If you are at an event where alcohol is involved, and someone shouts "Hey! Look what I can do!" have an ambulance ready.

Theory #131

2005-03-05T00:36:00.000-05:00

Inventions that can be used by the public will ultimately be hijacked by the adult film industry.

Theory #130

2005-02-21T14:33:00.000-05:00

President's Day.
Is that special time of the year when you sit down and think of the idiot who is making you consider flee to Canada.
Happy President's Day, eh!

Theory #129

2005-02-21T14:28:00.000-05:00

"[...] Having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true, that does."

-Quote from The O.C.

Theory #128

2005-02-15T08:53:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day is for lovers. If you don't have one, don't bother. Please.

Theory #127

2005-02-09T13:36:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow never comes. It's always transforming into today and yesterday.

Theory #126

2005-02-07T01:03:00.000-05:00

Those who do not have a satisfying life live vicariously through celebrities.

Theory #125

2005-02-04T19:32:00.000-05:00

College student + laptop + internet + weblog = 0 productivity

Theory #124

2005-01-31T01:30:00.000-05:00

Nobody has the whole truth. We are all liars to some degree. It's a matter of whether our inaccurate opinions are truthfully expressed and make some sort of logical sense.

Theory #123

2005-01-23T02:18:00.000-05:00

Today isn't a holiday. Happy Nothing Day.

Theory #122

2005-01-10T02:51:00.000-05:00

Hyperactivity is the inability to stay

Comics are funny. George W. Bush, not to be confused with George H.W. Bush, is our current president. I like pie. Engineering is a tough college degree. I need to work on it. Why am I doing this?

on one subject at a time.

Theory #121

2005-01-03T02:55:00.000-05:00

Ah, New Year's Day...the time of year when we all promise to quit drinking and smoking and eating so much, only to get drunk and fat by St. Patrick's Day.

Theory #120

2004-12-30T01:25:00.000-05:00

Procrastinators put everything off until tomorrow, which never comes. Therefore, "tomorrow" must be some sort of code for the afterlife.

Theory #119

2004-12-25T03:11:00.000-05:00

So exactly how merry can one's Christmas be? I think the answer lies in how much alcohol is consumed for most.

Theory #118

2004-12-04T13:28:00.000-05:00

Do to other what you want others do to you, therefore, do everyone.

Theory #117

2004-11-20T13:24:00.000-05:00

I was going to procrastinate, but I decided to put it off.

Theory #116

2004-11-16T09:25:00.000-05:00

How amazing that even the smallest passage of time can completely change a man's outlook on life, to the point where he may appear to have been a completely different person just days ago.

Theory #115

2004-11-13T02:21:00.000-05:00

A person's political extremism is directly proportional to the amount of irony expressed between thought and deed.

Theory #114

2004-11-03T20:26:00.000-05:00

Only in America can the village idiot become president.

Theory #113

2004-10-20T07:15:00.000-05:00

Before you think that multi-tasking makes you more efficient, recall how its multi-faceted nature can multi-confuse you.

Theory #112

2004-10-02T11:28:00.000-05:00

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
-W.C. Fields

Theory #111

2004-09-29T20:47:00.000-05:00

Every so often we renew our search for intelligent life.
It's called an election.

-Kenneth Cole.

Theory #110

2004-09-26T03:35:00.000-05:00

Electricity is the essence of modern life. If the power were to be shut off, this blog would be inactive, food in refrigerators would spoil, and the technology-spoiled people would be left with no computers or television to keep them entertained.

Theory #109: The Law of Human Stupidity

2004-09-25T02:14:00.000-05:00

The idea that makes the most sense is also the most likely to be ignored.

Theory #108

2004-09-22T10:17:00.000-05:00

Theories are just theories. Living makes them fact.

Theory #107

2004-09-16T14:20:00.000-05:00

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

- Re: Theory 96.

Theory #106

2004-09-16T09:42:00.000-05:00

For every rule, there is at least one exception.

Theory #105

2004-09-13T08:29:00.000-05:00

When life has you trapped in a corner, pull out a laptop with an internet connection and write about it.

Theory #104

2004-09-07T04:34:00.000-05:00

One can only be in control of himself if he first learns self-control.

Theory #103

2004-08-30T23:01:00.000-05:00

When making choices, what seems like the least sensible idea turns out to be the best.

Theory #102

2004-08-28T21:25:00.000-05:00

A wise man changes his mind many times... A fool never

Theory #101

2004-08-25T23:58:00.000-05:00

When a human contemplates God, it is within the constraints of human thinking. God comes through as a jumbled mass of energy, like when a radio receives interference from non-compatible electrical currents.

Theory #100

2004-08-23T23:43:00.000-05:00

The imagination is limitless. I've hit the century mark on insane theories of life, and it's not even close to done.

Theory #99

2004-08-22T14:11:00.000-05:00

When life throws you a bone, make sure it doesn't hit you.

Theory #98

2004-08-18T02:22:00.000-05:00

If a lack of sleep is voluntary, is it still insomnia?

Theory #97

2004-08-12T00:45:00.000-05:00

Mammary glands are
For feeding mother's milk
To tiny infants.

(Inspired by commenters on Dave Barry's Blog)

Theory #96

2004-08-11T17:50:00.000-05:00

If you believe in fate then why do you buckle your seatbelt?

Theory #95

2004-08-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

Theories? What theories? Oh, those...

Confucius say, "He with 6-second short-term memory should write stuff down."

Theory #94

2004-07-29T00:51:00.000-05:00

You are what you read.

Theory #93

2004-07-19T19:43:00.000-05:00

Whenever life closes a door, it opens a window. Unfortunately, you can't jump out the window.

Theory #92

2004-07-15T21:34:00.000-05:00

When a story lacks humor, tell a filthy lie instead. Someone is bound to laugh:

***FILTHY LIE ALERT***

David D'Or is a eunuch. That explains his high-pitched voice.

Theory #91

2004-07-13T21:05:00.000-05:00

Having money doesn't buy happiness, but it's the nicest way to be unhappy.

Theory #90

2004-07-12T18:35:00.000-05:00

Consciousness. What's so good about it?

Theory #89

2004-07-08T20:09:00.000-05:00

HELP WANTED is a lie. What they really mean is PAID SLAVE LABOR.

Theory #88

2004-07-07T07:41:00.000-05:00

Earth first!
We'll screw up other planets later.

— A bumper sticker.

Theory #87

2004-07-04T00:49:00.000-05:00

"A man's got to know his limitations."

-- Clint Eastwood

Theory #86

2004-06-19T19:41:00.000-05:00

Camp staff is fun until you have 3 consecutive emergency drills that require you to sprint across the entire property to the lake for a lost swimmer search, the last of which causes you to collapse, creating a REAL emergency case.

Theory #85

2004-06-10T13:40:00.000-05:00

$$$ = Good, which explains why I'm looking forward to my summer job.

Theory #84

2004-06-09T00:47:00.000-05:00

The mind is a tool, meaning that it can be neither right nor wrong, with right and wrong being related to how true you are to your beliefs. I find it very strange that most people find pleasure in destroying brain cells than using them to benefit society. Then again, many drug-induced people have benefitted society, returning us to the right-wrong argument. Life is like that sometimes, chasing its tail in these twisted circles.

Theory #83

2004-06-04T13:34:00.000-05:00

I can't decide whether I am indecisive.

Theory #82

2004-06-01T02:33:00.000-05:00

Without soldiers to serve in the U.S. military, I would not be free to share my theories with you today.

Theory #81

2004-05-31T15:20:00.000-05:00

The reason the news never makes sense is because, perhaps, we really are surrounded by idiots, and the intelligent people are outnumbered. That would also explain why voices of reason are so damn hard to come by.

Theory #80

2004-05-29T00:28:00.000-05:00

Ideas are for the weak! REAL thinkers have theories.

Theory #79

2004-05-26T14:29:00.000-05:00

Voting is that thing where you punch holes in a piece of paper, somebody reads it as a vote for a different candidate, and your voice is never heard because you couldn't punch the whole way through the card anyway.

Theory #78

2004-05-24T22:40:00.000-05:00

If you're careful about which context you choose for the use of derogatory terms, chances are it will go unnoticed, but slip up once, and you're branded a bigot for life.

Theory #77

2004-05-23T21:54:00.000-05:00

Intelligent people are victims of their own intelligence. No matter where they go, the majority of people are dumber than them, so they feel surrounded by idiots. No, that doesn't just happen to me. That's what separates a rant from a theory.

Theory #76

2004-05-22T15:12:00.000-05:00

Every time you think you're a nutter, you will find someone more deranged than you.

Theory #75

2004-05-21T14:45:00.000-05:00

Do you know where your blog is? I think I misplaced mine. Then again, it could've been car keys that I was trying to find.

2004-05-20T23:53:00.000-05:00

Theory #74

Google is God for the internet. It sees all, knows all, remembers all...etc. The only way to keep it away from your site is to deny it with specific code. Otherwise, it remains open to the possibility that you will embrace it.

2004-05-19T03:29:00.000-05:00

Theory #73

Nobody can fight the giant squid. They'll just keep sending us deadly cicadas.

2004-05-18T02:52:00.000-05:00

Theory #72

When the censoring gets tough, the tough get censored, right? Wrong. I always win my battles.

2004-05-16T21:21:00.000-05:00

Theory #71

Writing on a blog, which is good, beats cleaning a room, which is bad. I had to do both. Therefore, I've had a mediocre day, right?

2004-05-14T22:34:00.000-05:00

Theory #70

Fishing, as in every activity, is fun until you realize how much work it takes to prepare for it and clean up. However, the experience is what everyone loves and remembers.

2004-05-11T17:06:00.000-05:00

Theory #69

[Insert oral sex joke here.]

hehehe..."insert..." hehehe... 8-)

2004-05-10T05:45:00.000-05:00

Theory #68

Perfection is not human. Every time you think you've got things right, you discover that you've got things completely wrong.

2004-05-09T14:47:00.000-05:00

Theory #67

Hypocrisy: me stating that I need to study for a Physics final tomorrow but remaining here to type this post.

2004-05-08T19:51:00.000-05:00

Theory #66

Sleep does not make you smarter. It just gives you less time to study.

2004-05-01T04:14:00.000-05:00

Theory #65

Insomnia is not a disease, but a gift that allows one to party longer.

2004-04-30T18:15:00.000-05:00

Theory #64

Paradox: Procrastinators, by definition, should put off procrastination.

2004-04-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

Theory #63

As soon as you say you're out of thoughts, your brain kicks into overdrive and pumps out thoughts faster than you can remember them.

2004-04-27T22:33:00.000-05:00

Theory #62

In politics, college students get the shaft. We're expected to be radical, peace-infatuated pot-heads who are always ready for a good protest. Not always true -- I'm just a Democrat/Libertarian always ready for a good party.

2004-04-24T10:46:00.000-05:00

Theory #61

Famous dead guys get all the attention.

2004-04-24T08:52:00.000-05:00

Theory #60

The eyes of God are always watching, so the Church tells me. Ewww...that means He's watching me when I take a shit!

2004-04-23T02:58:00.000-05:00

Theory #59

Since nothing on this page actually has a point, it is all technically stupid, so just get over it and laugh already.

2004-04-22T06:11:00.000-05:00

Theory #58

What happens when a liar lies? Does that mean he's telling the truth?

2004-04-22T06:09:00.000-05:00

Theory #57

Mankind digs its own holes. We take advantage of our complex thought patterns to weave webs of deceit. Then we forget which lies we told to which people, it all unravels, and we discover why lying is wrong. Or we get better at it.

2004-04-22T00:40:00.000-05:00

Theory #56

If you've got something to hide, you'd better be a damn good liar.