April 30, 2004

Theory #64

Paradox:
Procrastinators, by definition, should put off procrastination.

April 29, 2004

Theory #63

As soon as you say you're out of thoughts, your brain kicks into overdrive and pumps out thoughts faster than you can remember them.

April 27, 2004

Theory #62

In politics, college students get the shaft. We're expected to be radical, peace-infatuated pot-heads who are always ready for a good protest. Not always true -- I'm just a Democrat/Libertarian always ready for a good party.

April 24, 2004

Theory #61

Famous dead guys get all the attention.
Theory #60

The eyes of God are always watching, so the Church tells me. Ewww...that means He's watching me when I take a shit!

April 23, 2004

Theory #59

Since nothing on this page actually has a point, it is all technically stupid, so just get over it and laugh already.

April 22, 2004

Theory #58

What happens when a liar lies? Does that mean he's telling the truth?
Theory #57

Mankind digs its own holes. We take advantage of our complex thought patterns to weave webs of deceit. Then we forget which lies we told to which people, it all unravels, and we discover why lying is wrong. Or we get better at it.
Theory #56

If you've got something to hide, you'd better be a damn good liar.

April 19, 2004

Theory #55

The brain is a very complex supercomputer. Bullshit! Whoever came up with that hasn't read my writing.
Theory #54

Never ask someone who's hard of hearing to get a hearing aid. They just won't listen.

April 18, 2004

Theory #53

Nothing is what it seems. I go fishing, have a nice, relaxing day off, and now, as a reward (?), I've been forced to gut and cook my fish!

April 15, 2004

Theory #52

Spam is definitely negative in this dimension. Therefore, spammers should get the hell out of my face and find the opposite dimension that accepts it! Wait...scratch that. Spam is absolulte, meaning it would be rejected everywhere. Just steer clear of me or you'll suffer the consequences.
Theory #51

In some computer applications, the backspace button sounds sort of like a xylophone, and it accompanies most music rather well.

April 14, 2004

Theory #50

In an informal discussion between friends, never worry about the topic. Chances are that, within 5 minutes, everyone forgot what they were talking about in the first placce.
Theory #49

Time doesn't fly, it just seems to move more quickly, which is also not true. Time has a constant velocity and zero acceleration.
Theory #48

Counting has been useless since the advent of the calculator. Since graphing calculators, only extremely advanced math cannot be done on a calculator. Therefore, math is useless.
Theory #46

See? I can't count, either.
Theory #47

Bad typing is a non-issue after 2 A.M.
Theory #45

Not everyone lives near their church.
Theory #44

Abbreviations only mean what you think they mean at the time.
Theory #43

All animals are bastards. Before PETA comes after me, I'd like to point out that they don't get married.
Theory #42

It is possible to be distracted by your own thoughts. This is the very reason that marijuana use is discouraged. It breaks your concentration to begin with.
Theory #41

Language is about how you like to talk, not the color of your skin. Didn't you see Malibu's Most Wanted?! No? Go see it! It's hillarious!
Theory #40

Nothing's real or fake. Life is all about how the brain perceives electrical impulses.
Theory #39

If you can't calmly debate an issue without accusing dissenters of being wackos, you'll just make the other party think you're a wacko, too.
Theory #38

Google will help someone take over the world someday.
Theory #37

If you see a bug, kill it. They reproduce at will and take over your house otherwise.
Theory #36

If you are a music-lover, you will have songs stuck in your head. Deal with it.
Theory #35

Never give your phone number to people who piss you off. You're likely to get pissed on as well.
Theory #34

Insanity can be organized. Just look at this page.
Theory #33

Don't bother trying to change the apathetic. They just don't care.
Theory #32

Guys don't use their brains all the time. They think it's fun not to have to think. Ladies, get used to it.
Theory #31

There is SO a word that rhymes with orange. It's florange (short for floral arrangement). Nobody said you couldn't make one up!
Theory #30

Any drink containing alcohol is a good drink.
Theory #29

Any discussion about college is only six degrees away from alcohol consumption, like that whole Kevin Bacon thing.

April 13, 2004

Theory #28

Insanity is relative. Those who are already insane think other psychos are normal. Many people speak of insanity as a bad thing...OK, I saw it coming. Just put the white coat on me and strap it shut. I'll go willingly.
Theory #27

Spam actually tastes OK, except on a computer. In that case, you must KILL THE FUCKING SPAM!!!
Theory #26

Japanese commercials are all alike: funny, confusing, and disturbing.
Theory #25

Staying awake all night should have a purpose. That's why there's alcohol and pot.
(Tonight was just a waste of time -- neither involved. Honest!)
Theory #24

All slackers will complain that they are bored and have nothing to do. However, a TRUE slacker doesn't stop lying around to look for activities.
Theory #23

Drugs are good...no...BAD! BAD! BAD! Yeah, sure...I was right the first time. ;)
Theory #22

Sleep deprivation and marijuana have approximately the same effect on the brain.
Theory #21

The age of 21 is just a number. Real drinkers start at college.
Theory #20

Outsourcing is a way of life. True leaders stick to planning and pin the actual work on everyone else.
Theory #19

Sleep is for the weak!!!
Theory #18

Profanity may not solve your problems, but that shit sure relieves all of your fuckin' stress. Damn right!
Theory #17

Help only comes to those who ask. The rest are simply reminded of how much they suck.

April 12, 2004

Theory #16

People will wait until someone's away to discuss their biscuits, howitzers, sausage, etc.
Theory #15

I don't blow my own horn. I just blow on the end of it and let the vibrating reeds do the work.
Theory #14

I'm not superstitious, but I am open-minded, so I avoid the number 13 just in case the supertitious people are right.
Theory #12

The use of promotions, especially shamless self-promotions, grab the most attention.
Theory #11

Slackers tend to do more work to get out of the work they were supposed to do.
Theory #10

All your blog are belong to us.
Theory #9

If you blog it, they will read.
Theory #8

Innuendo is inappropriate, except in Dave Barry's blog comments. In that case, it's expected.
Theory #7

The solution to world peace is to have no opinions. That way, people couldn't disagree.
Theory #6

Humans get probed by the aliens because they never make sense and need to be studied. If we'd just do what we say and vice-versa, then we could reduce the number of anal probings.
Theory #5

I think the aliens are Egyptian because a space shuttle returned with hieroglyphics on it.
Theory #4

NASA films everything in a studio. They are secretly facilitating travel for the Egyptian aliens.
Theory #3

Don't trust the media. It's all a ploy so that the Egyptian aliens, giant squid, otters, drug-dealing squirrels, and other shady species of animal can overthrow humans and take over the world.
Theory #2

You can sell ANYTHING on eBay. ANYTHING!!!
Theory #1

When driving, if you see something higher than your bumper, check for a ditch on the side of the road, and swerve the other way.